Sunday, November 16, 2008

The Roast of Auggie Smith

Monday, November 17th, 2008 at The Fez Ballroom

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When the clock strikes 8pm, puffs of cigarette smoke, sorted drunken comparisons of the star of the nights' coital prowess, and clinking of vodka-filled glasses will cease momentarily as a man...not a tall man, nor a man clad with hair...but a man whos years of experience, amplified opinions of his observations, and a point of view so honest and funny..it has been known to change an entire life in one night, will step onto the stage and take a seat on the throne. What will happen next is likely to be a moment that will go down in some peoples' history (via their digital camera if they're too wasted) and will not be a night forgotten for those of us who know, admire, and at times secretly wish a bruised funny bone to this man.

This man I speak of is the one and only Auggie Smith. If you don't know the name...google it. Comedy Central, Last Comic Standing, etc...(I've already taken 3 Tylenol PM's and I don't feel like copy and pasting his bio from google).

I love Auggie Smith like an insestual older brother...although I am one of few who can say that I do not know Auggie in the bible sense. As much as I respect and treasure this man, I can not WAIT to see his ass get roasted tomorrow night.

I was told tonight that at the roast of Auggie Smith, no comic is safe (I can only hope that something smarter than 'whore' will be hurled at me or the other lady comics)...but the man of the hour, Auggie, is who I will be focusing on. I am waiting for the precise moment that Auggie - with his stoic demeanor breaks. Now...don't get me wrong, Auggie will eat it up...he will laugh and enjoy himself. I have just never been in the presence of Auggie showing outward discomfort and I can't wait.

I am equally as excited to see the roasters. For those of you that love googling...Troy Thirdgill, Art Krug, Susan Rice, Andy Andrist, Ron Osborne, Jessa Reed, Richard Bain, Kristine Levine, Keith Wallan, Eddie Van Ness, Lonnie Bruhn, Virginia Jones, Holli Pappan, Arlo Stone, and many many more.

The prodigious Dax Jordan will will be the Roast Master for this enchanting evening.

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Fez Ballroom - Burnside & SW 11th - 8pm - 21+ - $6

One of many favorite moments with Mr. Auggie Smith.
The Setting: Melissa and my apartment - Downtown Portland - December. Melissa and I decided to throw an ugly Christmas sweater party. Many comics and friends attended. Katie had brought a unicorn pinata to the Christmas party because she loves to tease my unicorn libido, and - what is more fitting and appropriate than a pinata at a Christmas party? After watching few failed attempts at breaking the pinata in the barren living room of our apartment...Auggie Smith decided to -with the help of 'broom holder', Richard Bain - take matters into his own hands by grabbing a 2 x 4 and showing us how bald men get things done.

I don't think further explanation is necessary:

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Yes We Can

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I wrote this on November 5th, 2008.

Last night we witnessed history. It doesn't matter if you vote Donkey, Elephant or other...history was made.

We have all been affected in different ways by this nonsensical 8 year reign of inefficiency, irresponsibility, and incompetence. I say that with little bias towards either party. When you get down to it, although I am personally very pleased with this elections' results...this isn't about who won and who didn't, this is about realizing that there is a huge problem, and about finding a way to make a change.

Sarah, I'm proud of you for not completely losing it onstage, you stayed much stronger up there than I had given you credit for. And Todd looked Kinda hot. (wink).

Although I did not vote for, nor did I wish to see McCain/Palin in office this year, after watching his gracious and benevolent speech last night, I have much respect and admiration for John McCain. His speech was moving, well written, and full of hope in a moment of defeat. He took the high road and asked his fellow republicans and fellow Americans to put individual pride aside, and join him, and the rest of us, in coming together as one to make, and help our new president (who has a BIG mess to clean up) make this country a better place. Kudos to you, Mr. McCain.

In MY opinion, the situation that we're currently in, isn't "The Republican/Democrat/Pagan messed up"...bottom line, George W. Bush fucked up.

We need to realize this, accept it, and move on to make a change.

One of the most important virtues that we have as individuals, communities, and societies is Self Accountability. I am well aware that many times Bush is a puppet in his show, and that not all of his words/actions come from his true beliefs or feelings, but he is the Commander in Chief...and when you're the boss, you are often times responsible for actions that you allow to happen under your administration. So, for those few stubborn and angry republicans that I've talked to this morning - you can either cry about it and throw a pity party, place blame everywhere you can (DO NOT AIM DIRECTLY AT YOURSELF OR AT BUSH), and lay on the ground stomping your hands and feet whining "not fair! not fair! not fair!" OR you can accept the fact that Bush wasn't the right captain of your team, move on, dry your eyes and do something about it.

I have no way of knowing George W's true intentions when entering the White House...I could go off of my assumptions, but I think our parents taught us all what ASSuming will make you (even if you're pretty damn sure your assumption is correct)...he may have thought he could handle the job, he may have - in his "heart" of hearts - genuinely wanted to be a leader, but all he ended up doing was turning this country into a board game. We are not Monopoly, we are not Battleship, and we are not Clue (It was Bush, in Iraq, with an Oil Barrel!). We are the UNITED States of America and we are in dire need of change. It blows my mind at the excuses that people are making for this man. "Well, the economy has always fluctuated every so many years, Bush just happens to be in office for this fluctuation"....ummm....so....let me make sure I'm understanding this correctly - we are in the worst economic crisis/recession (depression) that we have been in this century, among all of the other messes that have been made, with an imbecilic man in charge, and you would like me to believe that this is just a coincidence?? You'd have an easier time convincing me that the Bush Family is actually friends with Al Qaeda or Osama Bin Laden and that all of this is fueled by money, oil, and rawhide. Oh wait....

Again, this isn't about Red vs. Blue anymore, it's so much bigger than that. You can still love your 'team' and know that you need a new player. For example (on a MUCH, MUCH smaller scale), I am a huge San Francisco Giants fan...in 1993, beloved All-Star and fan favorite, Will Clark left the team. They rotated players in and out of the position until 1995 when the Giants decided to put a young man by the name of J.R. Phillips on first. He came into the position with what seemed to be hope and ambition. By the end of that season, Phillips was arguably the worst 1st baseman in Giants history. (.194/.252/.355 with the rest of the NL's average at .277/.345/.458 for any of you baseball nerds out there). Did you see people defending Phillips? Sure, probably. However, the majority of the fans said "You are not right for this job, we love our team, and we need a change if we're going to win, we gave you a chance, and you aren't right for this...we need someone with the 'right moves' to represent our team" and even if the new player we needed had to come from our arch rival team, the Dodgers (gag), we still would have accepted the change because it needed to happen. You can still love your team and realize that Georgey boy wasn't the right player. If you accept this, change can happen sooner.

Last night, while watching the speeches of Mc Cain and Obama, we were all moved for so many different reasons...on top of our economy, our eco-system, human & equality rights, and ending this war....when Obama spoke of change in the Healthcare system, I was overcome with a sense of relief, anger, and just pure emotion. I had been very sick off and on, the last few years...and although I am MUCH healthier now, my past has been riddled with tens of thousands of dollars worth of tests, procedures, doctor/urgent care/E.R. Visits, etc...I am 26 years old, I have a good paying job, I have insurance (now) - and I am the most broke I've ever been, I was sued by a medical collections agency, I almost lost my job, and I am being forced to file for emergency bankruptcy in order to stop the lawsuit/keep my job...all of this hell, these feelings of being angry, scared, and alone, sleepless nights, and a fear of answering your phone...all because I got sick. I am a very strong person, and I know that I have it A LOT easier than other people who are suffering right now, or who have suffered in the past due to our backwards and often times asinine system. I can get through this...I can see the light at the end of my scarred road...but what about those people who can't? I feel for them, and I want to help make a change for them.

For those of you who wanted to, or attempted to cheapen someone's moment of happiness, relief, and inspiration last night, maybe you could try some reflection (message me if you need any of these words to be defined or used in another sentence) and realize that this was and is monumental for some of us who have suffered because of our inept system...let us have our moment. I wont get in your "Fuck the MAN!" or "I have my own reasons (that I'm not gonna tell anybody cause they might not be true) why I don't vote!" bubble, if you stay out of mine. I try to always understand where other people are coming from, I am very open minded, I listen, and I try to learn...I love how communication can help you open your eyes wider to something that you never would have seen before...but you and I aren't going to see eye to eye on this one, buddy, and how dare you attempt to take that away from the rest of us. P.S., Santa isn't real.

I guess all in all, what I'm saying is...let's get real with what's what and move on. We have elected a new president! George W. Bush is going to be gone (I'm woo-hooing so loud inside right now)! Let's DO this...we can't go back in time and change the votes, so for you that are republican and/or McCain/Palin fans (not all of you, mainly just the ones who are spreading hate, jealousy, revenge, and/or animosity) - I hope that you can accept the facts. McCain put up a good fight, and was graciously defeated...that's that. So instead of fighting Obama, I really hope that we can agree to disagree on some things, and help to amplify and boost the things we do agree on, and fight to make a change...we are people first.

P.S. I found this. Destiny gave this to me:

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Sowwie

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Ok...so sometimes people are assholes, whether they mean to be or not...I am an asshole because I have been depriving my 3 readers of bloggery since late summer...and for that, I am sorry.

There have been oh so many things that have violated (both in the fun and not so fun way) my life over the last few months...I suppose I'll have to catch you up.

This could be fun...or...extremely damaging and one of the reasons for my premature entrance into the mental facility that I have already picked out. (If there's one thing the boy scouts taught me - besides how to make a really awesome bong for my brother for his birthday - it was Always Be Prepared!).

Here are just a few gems you have to look forward to, my friends...

* Vodka called, she wants me back.

* The No-Neck Club.

* Ass Camera Lawsuit(wish it was a) Musical!

* Mr. Right - Finally! Oh wait, you were kidding?

* My Halloween as Bristol Palin.

* Yes We Can.

* Freak Show Comedy - My new open mic.

* The roast of Auggie Smith

* Female Comics invade Eugene, OR.

Well...it looks like I've got a lot of writing to do...and I'd like to finish some of it before this Tylenol PM kicks in completely.

So once again, I'm sorry for neglecting you - my blog, my sweet angel - and my few, but very appreciated readers.

xoxo

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